Wanting to blow a hole in my head

So again back to feeling worthless and useless. I'm not sleeping and I have no fucking energy.

I was looking on the net and it said the best way was to shoot yourself in the head with a shotgun.

I can't get access to a fucking shotgun. I don't know where to turn. I am barely keeping afloat, I pay the bills and have nothing left over.

I've not got money to buy christmas presents, decorate the house or anything. What's the point I have noone to share it with.

My family have disowned me, it was my birthday on the 3rd of november and I didn't get a single card from my family or friends.

What friends, yeah I know.

I can't work on my book because I just want to delete the whole fucking words.

I did not know it was your B-day I have a hard time keeping track and such with mom and everyone else. Please suicide is NOT the answer. I do not know what is going on and why your feeling this way... If I can help somehow please let me know. And don't you have your wife to spend that special time with?